Five tips for becoming a better LGBTQ+ affirming therapist and ally in 2025

There are many well-intended and talented therapists who self-identify as “LGBTQ+ affirming” but are limited in the understanding and skills necessary to be a true ally to this community. Many times, therapists may feel competent enough to provide services to the LGBTQ+ community because they believe “we’re all equal!” (see: “I don’t see color!”), or they enjoy consuming “gay” (also see: cishet-white) media. As a previous therapy client to alleged affirming, well-intended therapists, I’ve had these folks say some really weird stuff to me. Like, inappropriate, unprompted, inaccurate, WEIRD stuff, either out of ignorance or perhaps insecurity. It was (and is!) harmful and violating. Queer people deserve therapy that doesn’t fetishize or simply tolerate them, that embraces and accepts them, rather than just validating them – because, let’s be honest, that should be the baseline.

Want to avoid doing unintentional harm as an affirming therapist who really means well but doesn’t know the queer experience personally?

Below are five tips for becoming a better LGBTQ+ affirming therapist for your adult clients in 2025:

1. Educate yourself: 

One of the biggest mistakes an aspiring affirming therapist makes is putting the responsibility of education entirely back on the LGBTQ+ client. This can be jarring and demoralizing to the queer client who is seeking (and paying for) your expertise, especially in the current sociopolitical climate. Cultivate a spirit of curiosity and take on the responsibility of educating yourself about the LGBTQ+ community and experience. This should include an ongoing combination of formalized training as well as self-study and informal cultural exposure. When exploring LGBTQ+ professional development trainings, choose trainings that are researched and led by an LGBTQ+ practitioner. Familiarize yourself with basic vocabulary, pronouns, and identities. Read books about the broad LGBTQ+ experience (again, written by queer authors) and find articles about the intricacies of specific intersectional identities. Follow queer and transgender content creators across social media of varying ethnicities, ages, and abilities. Watch videos that celebrate the LGBTQ+ experience in its various expressions. Frequent queer-owned coffee shops, restaurants, and businesses. Stay informed about the ever-shifting policies and political landscape impacting the LGBTQ+ community. Education is a lifelong commitment and holistic practice, and educating yourself on the LGBTQ+ experience is critical to being an affirming therapist. 

2. Create a safe space (in the way the client needs): 

First, ask the client what makes them feel safe, and then do those things, if possible. Validate the intersecting aspects of their identity and acknowledge the differences in experiences between the two of you. Offer space for your lack of direct lived experience and commit to educating yourself (see point 1).  Next, ask how they self-identify and explore what that means to them. Different people, cultures, and generations use language differently, so it is best practice to clarify what the client means even if they use terminology you’re familiar with. Do they have a preferred name or a name they are interested in exploring? Does the client use multiple pronouns? If yes, ask if they have a pronoun preference, and apologize when you mess up. (Apologize and move on, no need to belabor the point and make your client comfort you.) Clarify up front what their LGBTQ+ identity means to them in the therapy space, that is, how should it be prioritized in session. Some LGBTQ+ folks are not using therapy to explore that part of their identity (it is not necessarily something that needs to be “worked on” or “processed” – just as heterosexuality isn’t something you would assume a client needs to talk through) and some may be seeking help for specific LGBTQ+ issues.

3. Ensure your documentation and processes are LGBTQ+ affirming:

Update your intake paperwork to include preferred name, pronouns (not limited to he, she, they) and gender expression (ideally with a blank space that the client can use to self-identify). Include meaningful questions about gender and sexuality in the past and present. Explain your approach to documentation and how you protect queer folks in your session notes (and do this, if you aren’t already!). There are real fears about what and how aspects of identity are recorded and used against LGBTQ+ folks.

4. Seek feedback:

Ask for feedback from LGBTQ+ clients periodically and make it clear you encourage feedback from day one (but don’t expect them to tell you how to be better). Check-in about how you are or are not understanding their LGBTQ+ experience and needs and what adjustments need to be made. And don’t get defensive when they give you honest feedback. Consult with queer colleagues. If you don’t have any queer peers, get curious as to why. Ask your peers if they have space to explore with you, and better yet, pay queer people for their time and expertise. 

5. Reflect: 

Ask yourself the following questions: Are you truly equipped right now to work with LGBTQIA+ clients, specifically clients seeking help surrounding gender, sexuality, and identity issues? Are you the best person or fit for this client, or is there a queer practitioner that you could make a referral to? Do you have any internal bias towards the LGBTQ+ community? Are you insecure or curious about your own gender and sexuality? Those insecurities can easily be projected onto queer clients on accident. Do you have any preconceived judgments about gender expression and are you comfortable with people expressing and experiencing their gender in ways that they feel comfortable even if you don’t get it? Do you have feelings of judgment that arise around non-monogamy or non-traditional relationship structures? Do you have uncomfortability or lack any knowledge around BDSM and kink? Answer honestly and make a plan to increase your understanding and skills.

The word “ally” is a wartime term and indicates unwavering support and commitment in battle. Queer folks need true allies who are willing to offer their resources, time, and energy to fight against the powers that seek to strip us of our rights and humanity. Get involved in your local LGBTQ+ community or local politics and find ways to use your straight-cis privilege. Use these tips as areas to guide your ongoing self-education and personal growth and as ways to assess your strengths and growth areas.

If you’re uncertain about any of these areas and need to pursue further training and knowledge, it is incredibly kind (and ethical) to refer a potential client to queer providers while you gain more skills.