Emphasizing Autonomy and Shared Control in PDA-Affected Couples

In relationships where one partner has Pathological Demand Avoidance* (PDA), the dynamic of autonomy and control plays a central role. The PDA nervous system is highly sensitive to perceived demands—whether external (“Can you do this?”) or internal (“I should do this”). Even small expectations can trigger a threat response that looks like withdrawal, shutdown, sarcasm, or explosive defiance.

One of the most effective ways to reduce this tension in couples is to emphasize autonomy and shared control. Here’s what this can  look like in practice:

1. Invite, Don’t Instruct

PDA individuals often respond better to language that emphasizes choice. Instead of saying, “We need to talk tonight,” try, “Would you be open to talking later?” This keeps the nervous system from feeling cornered or pressured.

2. Collaborate on Plans

Rather than setting plans and expecting cooperation, co-create them. Use questions like:

• “What works for you today?”

• “How can we handle this together?”

• “Would you rather do A, B, or something else entirely?”

When PDA partners feel like equal participants in decision-making, they’re less likely to experience a knee-jerk reaction of refusal. 

3. Respect Rejections without Punishment

If the PDA partner says no, try not to react with guilt, pressure, or emotional withdrawal. Instead, validate the refusal and revisit it later, if needed. Knowing that “no” won’t cost them love or safety reduces the urge to defend autonomy aggressively in the future.

4. Build Flexibility into Routines

Rigidity in expectations—especially around time, chores, intimacy, or roles—can feel suffocating to someone with PDA. Design routines that are adaptable and non-punitive, with backup options and room to opt out.

5. Share Power, Not Pressure

Healthy relationships thrive on mutual respect. That means balancing all partners’ needs without one person dominating the emotional climate. The PDA partner may need more space and flexibility, while other partners may prefer more time together and consistency in schedules. Finding small ways to meet all needs—rather than defaulting to one—is key.

Supporting autonomy doesn't mean giving up on intimacy or structure. It means building a relationship where requests feel safe, choice is real, and all partners have room to show up without threat or defense. With the right balance of freedom and connection, intimate partnerships can move from reactivity to resilience —together.

*Note: The term “pathological” is rooted in white supremacy and not one we use at Embodied Therapy Collective. Many behaviors that the mental health field has deemed “pathological” are reasonable responses in the context of trauma and systemic oppression. However, we are using the term here as it is, unfortunately, most recognizable in this context. Many folks with PDA prefer the label “Persistent Drive for Autonomy”.